Bad Movie Night
by EvaCybele
Summary: Reno and Elena watch a really bad Wutainese ninja flick, but add their own form of entertainment.


"Hey 'Lena, where's all your booze?"

The first couple of times that Reno had come over, Elena had tried to supply refreshments for them both, but she quickly figured out exactly how much it cost to keep Reno happy, and she damn well wasn't going to spend half her paycheck on booze again. If he was that worried about it, he could buy the stuff himself. Plus, Reno did stupid shit when he was drunk. Like set her couch on fire.

"This isn't about the couch thing again, is it? C'mon, that was one time! And it was only a _little_ fire."

Elena just sighed and rummaged through her large collection of movies. "So what are we watching this time? 'Winchester Woo and the Ten Thousand Dragons'?"

"Nah, that one sucks. Get the one with the ninja chick – you know, the one with the boobs?"

"...Reno, they ALL have boobs. They're women."

Reno came shuffling into her living room, drink in hand – she did NOT want to know where he'd gotten it, it could be bleach for all she knew – and grabbed a movie at random from the stack. He glanced at the cover and nodded. "This one."

Elena shrugged and put 'Violent Assassion Shiori Ice' into the player and plopped down on the couch next to her coworker.

An incredibly busty Wutainese woman appeared on-screen, and Elena immediately saw why Reno had picked this particular movie – 'Shiori Ice' was wearing remarkably little clothing. The blonde Turk shot a look at Reno. "Oh, this is freaking ridiculous and you know it."

"It's your movie. Now shut it, they're starting."

The ninja girl was knelt in front of a tall, forbidding-looking man. "Oh father! Do not send me out into this cruel world alone! For I am a woman and thus weak and frail and only good for making sammiches!"

Elena punched Reno in the arm. "Misogynist asshole! Why the hell do you get to voice the girl, anyways? You always voice the main character."

"Because I come up with the best attack names, and you know it. Oh hey, look, it's your character!"

A grossly obese man had waddled into the next scene, giving orders to a group of suited men. Elena wrinkled her nose but cleared her throat and spoke in a deep voice. "I am President Shinra, the biggest asshat on the planet, and I demand that you kill this assassin who has been plaguing our war effort! And if you don't, I will squish you all! Gyahahaha!"

"Why the fuck does 'President Shinra' laugh like fucking Heidegger?"

"Oh, fuck off. What I wanna know is why does every one of these movies have a scene that's just the main character climbing a mountain for no good reason?"

"It's supposed to symbolize spiritual growth."

Elena's head whipped around and she bounced up off the couch, wrapping her arms around Tseng's neck and planting a kiss on his lips. "Hi there, you. Thought you weren't going to be back until tomorrow?"

Reno just waved distractedly and went back to intently watching the ninja for any possible nipple slippage.

Tseng smiled wryly and extracted himself from Elena's arms, slipping into the kitchen. "Rufus got bored and decided to come home. Don't mind me. Enjoy your movie."

"...But you hate it when we do this. There's like this little vein that nearly busts out of your head..."

"FUCK YEAH! Fight time! Deadly acupuncture dance, fuckholes!"

Elena smothered giggles in her hand, while Tseng just stared at the TV as the ninja stabbed several black-suited men with tiny daggers in places that were decidedly non-lethal. "You know, that one was actually kind of appropriate."

Elena grinned over her shoulder and went back to the couch as 'President Shinra' reappeared on screen, taking the place of his fallen 'Turks.' "You forgot to do the girl voice, you kn- You skanky ho! Prepare to feel my wrath! Jiggling blubber smash!"

"Oh yeah? How 'bout an emasculating scorpion punch!"

"What about that was emasculating, anyway? Feel the bite of my snake knife!"

Reno turned a weird shade of reddish-purple. "What the fuck, 'Lena? Did you insinuate that he used his punched-off dick as a fucking _weapon_? There is something seriously wrong with you, woman."

"What's the matter, Re-re? You almost sound impressed." The blonde smirked at him and tossed her hair.

"I am impressed. You might make a good Turk someday, with a fucked-up mind like that."

Elena frowned and resisted the urge to knock him off the couch – her apartment couldn't really survive _another_ brawl with Reno, not after last week's, when he ate the last of her cheese dip.

Tseng cleared his throat and gestured at the screen. "I think she's about ready to finish him off."

Reno wiggled his eyebrows and shot a lewd grin at Tseng, but turned back to the television. "Die, Shinra scum! This is my secret technique, MEGA BOOB MAGIC!"

"...what."

"You heard me. Why else would they send a chick unless she had some sort of magical sex powers? I mean, look at her!"

Tseng just stared at Reno in amazement. "You know, Reno, not every movie has the same plot as something from pornography."

He didn't have the chance to reply, because Elena tackled him off her couch and put him in a headlock.

"OW! 'Lena, you bitch, let me go!"

"What was that you were saying about girls, Reno?"

The man managed to squirm free, planting elbows in her stomach, ribs, and boobs as he did so. Just as he was balling up his fist for a punch, Elena felt a hand on her shoulder and saw another twist itself in Reno's ponytail.

Tseng yanked them apart and shoved them to separate chairs, on either side of the room.

"Planet save us, Is this how your movie nights _generally_ end?"

Elena subtly rubbed her left breast. Reno had the boniest elbows of anyone she'd ever met – they ought to be classified as freaking weapons. "Yeah, pretty much."

"So this is why I've been coming home to find you with bruises in...interesting places?"

"Hey, she kneed me in the balls! 'S only fair, boss!"

Tseng just shook his head. "I need to go pick up some groceries. Try not to kill each other while I'm gone."

Reno perked up. "Hey, pick up some booze while you're out? I'll call Rude, it'll be fun!"

"Oh HELL no. If you want to get drunk, go to a bar. It took me a week to get the smell out of my washer last time!"

"Fine, fine, it's obvious you just want me out of here so you can climb the career ladder, if you catch my drift." Reno winked and ducked towards the door as a remote whizzed past his head.

"Get your ass out of my house, and don't come back until next week! And bring food next time, I'm tired of feeding you!"

The door slammed closed behind Reno and his raised middle finger. Elena slumped in her chair. "That was fun."

Tseng ran his fingers through her short hair. "You know, if I didn't know you two better, I'd swear you hated each other."

Elena just scrunched up her nose and shrugged. "Well, you do know better. And that's all that matters."

He leaned down and brushed a kiss across her forehead. "So it is."


End file.
